2025 was not an easy year. In fact, I spent much of my year not seeing fruit in one particular area of my life despite my “obedience” and doing what I thought God was leading me into. As I entered into the new year and a new marriage, I began to re-evaluate and truly consider what I wanted to bring with me and what I wanted to leave behind. I remembered the frustrations and unhappiness of this year – gritting my way through a new venture that I was certain was from God. After all, if this went according to plan, it would accomplish all the things I had planned for my future. But things didn’t go according to plan and there was no fruit to show for it. At the same time, I was so deep in that I couldn’t see any other way. I had invested time, money, and people into this vision of mine.
After weeks of running from confronting this quandary, I finally sat down with God and began conversing with Him. With Him, there is no hiding. Nothing can deceive Him because He is the Light and the Truth. I had been pursuing this new venture because I wasn’t honest with myself about what I actually wanted. What I wanted was too good to be true and I didn’t trust God to show up for me. He revealed to me His priorities and His desires for my life. It sounded too good to be true. No toiling and striving that I spent all of last year doing? He revealed to me my heart’s true intentions – they were my selfish ambitions and worldly desires wrapped up as “God’s plan for my life.” In reality, it was my fears and doubts hiding what my heart truly desired as a way of self-sabotage. Deep inside, I didn’t want to be disappointed. I had to repent for my disobedience and unbelief. I was self-striving to “make happen” and earn what He had already given me.
Hebrews 4:11-13 (AMP) Let us therefore make every effort to enter that rest [of God, to know and experience it for ourselves], so that no one will fall by following the same example of disobedience [as those who died in the wilderness]. For the word of God is living and active and full of power [making it operative, energizing, and effective]. It is sharper than any two-edged sword, penetrating as far as the division of the soul and spirit [the completeness of a person], and of both joints and marrow [the deepest parts of our nature], exposing and judging the very thoughts and intentions of the heart. And not a creature exists that is concealed from His sight, but all things are open and exposed, and revealed to the eyes of Him with whom we have to give account.
It took me over a year to come this place of surrender. A place I find myself again and again with God. But I am so glad He never gives up on me. His ways are always so much better. You’d think I’d know this by now… I still don’t know how exactly things are going to unfold this year but I know I can trust Him each step of the way. And sometimes, I simply have to come to the end of myself to finally say, “okay, God, let’s do it Your way this time.”
John 15:4-8 (NKJV) Abide in Me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit of itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in Me. “I am the vine, you are the branches. He who abides in Me, and I in him, bears much fruit; for without Me you can do nothing. If anyone does not abide in Me, he is cast out as a branch and is withered; and they gather them and throw them into the fire, and they are burned. If you abide in Me, and My words abide in you, you will ask what you desire, and it shall be done for you. By this My Father is glorified, that you bear much fruit; so you will be My disciples.”